 Alice's Family and Friends |
|||||||||
|
lots of Computer jokes |
||||||||
|
|||||||||
Murphy's
Laws of Computing |
|||||||||
| When
computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
to happen.
|
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
When
you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| When the going gets tough, upgrade. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
To
err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes
is even more human, it is downright natural. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| He who laughs last probably made a back-up. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
A
complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
A
computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want to do. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
Installing
a new program will always screw up at least one old one. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to
the value of the material that hasn't been backed up. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
There
are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks
have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed -
yet. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Anything
can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with
something long enough, you'll break it. |
|||||||||
Things
they do not tell you! (EG) |
|||||||||
| It
says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
It
says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.) |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
It
says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
It
says: "Installing program to C:\ Directory...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
It
says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| It
says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| It
says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| It
says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
It
says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or
Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back." |
|||||||||
Some Cute Computer
Cartoons
I found at LOVE STORIES.COM |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
Programming
Contest
|
|||||||||
Jesus
and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement
to holda contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves
before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines
of code streaming upthe screen, for several ours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes,
taking out the electricity. Momentslater, the power is restored,
and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,and cries, "I
have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well,
then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus
enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything,
yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves." |
|||||||||
Microsoft Doll |
|||||||||
Recently,
while I was watching a rerun of Seinfeld at 11pm after a long
day in the office, I saw an unusual commercial which made me
look twice. It was a commercial for an Interactive Microsoft
doll. At first I thought this was a joke, but soon came to realize
that in its attempt to keep 4th quarter earning high, and its
stock price soaring, it had to diversify.
I tried to guess whether Microsoft was licensing the product
or actually making it. So I did some research and found out the
following in my pursuit of the truth. My conclusion was that
the product was conceived and produced in Redmond at Microsoft's
headquarters. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| It is based on the following data. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
batteries turned out to be non-standard. Only Microsoft - batteries
work with the doll and Duracell has already filed suit. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
A
secretive anti-Furby rumor campaign has been going on for the
past few months. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
doll speaks quite eloquently, walks quickly - but then crashes
into the wall -- repeatedly --for no apparent reason |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
While
the doll generally has a nice interactive manner, she seems
to get rather rude when in the presence of the lawyer dolls
and government dolls, of which she has said "Oh, they are
just recyclable plastic" |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
And
the Most Compelling Reason A report from the Wall Street
Journal has learned
that "Ken" has received a large number of Microsoft stock
options and has reportedly been shying away from Barbie.
|
|||||||||
Computer Terms |
|||||||||
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Enterprise |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| DOS Defective Operating System |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| IBM I Blame Microsoft |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| ISDN It Still Does Nothing |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| JAVA Just Another Vague Acronym |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| SCSI System Can't See It |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| ALL
NEW Software is not compatible with previous versions |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| ADVANCED
DESIGN Upper management doesn't understand it. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| BREAKTHROUGH It finally booted on the first try. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| NEW Different colors from previous version. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| DESIGN
SIMPLICITY Developed on a shoe string budget. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| EXCLUSIVE We're the only ones who have the documentation |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| FIELD
TESTED Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| FOOLPROOF
OPERATION All parameters are hard-coded |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| FUTURISTIC It will only run on the next generation supercomputer |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| HIGH
ACCURACY All the directories compare. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| IT'S
HERE AT LAST Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| MAINTENANCE
FREE Impossible to fix |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| MEETS
QUALITY STANDARDS It compiles without errors |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| PERFORMANCE
PROVEN Works through beta test |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| REVOLUTIONARY Disk drives go round and round. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| SATISFACTION
GUARANTEED We'll send you another copy if it fails |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| STOCK
ITEM We shipped it once before and we can do it again. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| UNMATCHED Almost as good as the competition. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| UNPRECEDENTED
PERFORMANCE Nothing ever ran this slow before |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| YEARS
OF DEVELOPMENT Finally got one to work. |
|||||||||
GM and Microsoft |
|||||||||
At
a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000
miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself,
the GM CEO): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
Occasionally
your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Occasionally,
executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Only
one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought"Car95" or "CarNT." But
then you would have to buy more seats. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Macintosh
would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on five percent of the roads. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Occasionally
for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
GM
would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this
option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish
by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation
by the Justice Department. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Every
time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. | |||||||||
If
Operating Systems Ran the Airlines |
|||||||||
UNIX
Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Air
DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Mac
Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Windows
Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Windows
NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Linux
Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?" |
|||||||||
Error Messages |
|||||||||
| A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. | |||||||||
| |
|||||||||
The Web site you seek cannot be located but
countless more exist |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
Chaos reigns within. Reflect,
repent, and reboot. Order shall return |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
ABORTED effort: Close all that you
have worked on. You have asked too much. |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
Yesterday
it worked.
Today it is not working. Windows is like that |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
You step in the stream, but the water
has moved on. This page
is not here. |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
Out of memory. We
wish to hold the whole sky, But
we never will. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Windows crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Stay
the patient course, Of
little worth is your ire. The network is down |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Serious error. All shortcuts have
disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
First snow, then silence. This thousand
dollar screen dies so beautifully. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
With
searching comes loss and the
presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The Tao that is seen, is not the true
Tao, until You bring fresh toner. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
Having been erased, the document you're
seeking Must now be retyped. |
|||||||||
Robert's
Rules of Computer Order
|
|||||||||
| You will never have an extra blank disk. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| If you do bring along a blank disk, you won't need it. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
If
you don't bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available
opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and
uniquely
appropriate program. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
If
someone else is watching while you are doing anything
on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that's a technical term). |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion
to the
size of your audience. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
No
matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more
than they want to know. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You will amaze yourself at how much you know. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were
going to
save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
update of your program will use the keys for something entirely
different in this version than it did when you first learned
it. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
will understand it better the next time you read the manual.
For no discernible reason. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
When
you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of
your
resume you printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn't care.
Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to
do-which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of tea. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You will never know what a user file is. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
The
price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual
impact
of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will
automatically re-list itself in next Thursday's paper at 30% less. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Staring
at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily
reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed
in as a semi. Or vice versa. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| It will always seem like your friend got a better deal | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| The 800 number will be busy. | |||||||||
New
Form for Service Calls?? |
|||||||||
Computer
Problem Report Form |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 1. Describe your problem: | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 4.
Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 5.
Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 6.
Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 7.
Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 8.
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 9.
Have you made it worse? Yes__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 10.
Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 11.
Did they make it even worse? Yes__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 12.
Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 13.
Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 14.
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 15.
If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
17.
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred? |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
l8.
If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| l9.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 20.
Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 21.
Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
22.
Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__No__ |
|||||||||
| |
|||||||||
| 23.
Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 24.
Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 25.
Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 26.
Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| 27.
Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__ |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| and
added by Keneah: 28. Do you have a clue , or are you an idiot? Yes__ |
|||||||||
Sure Signs that
you are a computer Technician (Written by Alice Snyder) |
|||||||||
| Everyone you talk to asks you computer questions. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You know what the pissed off tech button is. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| No screws in the back of your computer or no cover on it at all. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
Thoughts
of what will happen if I delete this file never bother you. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You still have 5 1/4 drive still installed just in case. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
| You have every floppy you have ever made. | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
have programs not heard of before just in case you need them. |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
are the last one who upgrades to the newest
version because you are quite happy with the "old" stuff. (Have you used Vista
yet????????) |
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
have more games than anyone you
know, and you know how to play them all...
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
You
have every piece of hardware you have ever
aquired because you just might need them.
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
AND
THE NUMBER ONE SURE SIGN |
|||||||||
The
words you must now re-install windows doesn't affect you at all
or it just makes you laugh. |
|||||||||
 |
|||||||||
ALL
PICTURES OF MY FAMILY ARE COPYRIGHTED TO ALICE AND MY FAMILY ONLY! Copyright©2002-2012  |
|||||||||
