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Out of the Mouth of Babes

This picture was created by my son when I first got my computer. Thanks Matthew ~I love you ~MOM

This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is. She answers, You aren't supposed to ask a lady that." So the boy says, "Well then, how much do you weigh?" The grandmother says, "You aren't supposed to ask a lady that either. Go get the candy out of my purse and then go outside to play." A little while later, the boy comes back and tells her, "Grandma, I know how old you are and how much you weigh, cause I found your driver's license. And Grandma... you got an F in sex! "

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I wouldeven thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. AndLiberty and justice for all! Amen." Along with the laughter from theother customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happento know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally,I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember therest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already.

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy these questions. TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returns a few minutes later.)
Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because He isn't there. He doesn't exist. The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy these questions.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss. (He was getting tired of the questions by this time.)
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college. SCORE
0-4
You are made for childrearing! Give up your day job and mind the neighborhood kids as well, just for fun!
5-9
You are demonstrating definite signs of the so called "nesting instinct". You may even be starting to look positively homely and be wearing fluffy slippers.
10-14
You are relatively normal, but may be entering the danger zone of cluckiness. Snap out of it before it's too late. Spend some time at a day care center for a reality check.
15-17
Congratulations! You have both feet firmly on the ground and are well aware of the dangerous pitfalls of childrearing!